What a surprise to find out I was pregnant with my 2nd child when Shane was only 6 months old!!! Yeah…a surprise to say the least! I’m not going to lie. I was terrified. I think at this point I was still suffering from postpartum depression, trying to find my way, be a good wife… but motherhood was daunting.
Chase. My second Lion. Aaaaah. The Most High knew to bless us with a calm, easy, quiet, independent and peaceful, child. I was so grateful. Tired, exhausted, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed. But I was grateful. There was a certain ease to raising two sons so close in age. I could hold 2 babies simultaneously, they were playmates, they shared clothes, they played on the same athletic teams, they learned how to navigate through life…together. People would often say to me… ‘awww man how do you do it?’ But we just did. I realized though that Chase’s personality contributed significantly to my wellbeing at this time. My Virgo. My Kindred Spirit. Rising in Gemini, Moon in Pisces. I always understood him which is probably why I pushed him so much to step out of his comfort zone. He’s my mirror, a reflection of me. Often guarded, a person of few words who isn’t reactive, he has to take time to actually consider his best approach. So often times, family, friends, teachers, coaches, etc. didn’t understand this nor his quiet demeanor. Naturally they just expected him to be like Shane. He was often encouraged to say more, do more, give more of himself and I found myself constantly defending him, shielding him but at times buying into that very same ideal that was being pushed upon him. As a mom, it was hurtful and frustrating because I knew it was my job to raise his spirit, not Shane’s little brother. But I also knew that I wanted to raise a strong, expressive, well-equipped man who knows his worth and knows how to utilize it. But I found myself turning to what felt familiar and parenting from a very unconscious state.
I had no clue as to how to develop a new sense of who I should be, parenting two sons, two very different little beings, consciously. There were a lot of highs and lows, a lot of questionable moments, feelings of failure because I felt I just wasnt’ getting through to Chase because, well, um, he didn’t say much. A mother’s relationship is so deeply personal because these beings live inside of us, we breathe life to them, our bodies nurture them for 9 long months. We are forever connected in a very powerful way which is why I think it’s so hard for father’s to understand the allowances we make for our children. Is it smart? Probably not. Is it effective? I’d say no. As he became a teenager, I started to realize that I wasn’t meeting Chase’s emotional needs because I wasn’t meeting my own.
That sense of awareness allowed me to finally breathe and to begin to work on myself. To understand his mistakes as a young man are not a reflection of me as his mom. They are the plight to owning his own shit, a very necessary journey to manhood. So in order for him to be the man I have raised, I have to let those mistakes happen. Organically. Authentically. And sometimes without any knowledge. Accepting that his aloof nature and sometimes distant behavior is necessary for him to feel connected to himself and Source and why in the world should anyone take it personally. Releasing control and expectation is hard for me. But this is why I’m grateful and so very thankful that my kids have been my greatest teachers. They have pushed me to unravel all the many layers of my childhood so that I can give them the very best of me. I will forever be this class of “Conscious Parenting”. Because I will forever be their student.
in love + light,
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