When I was younger, I had often imagined what it would be like to be a mom. I just felt like my purpose in life was to be a good one. And after suffering a devastating miscarriage, I knew at that moment, that every inch of my Being was meant to be a mom. The pain I experienced was so deep and raw, unlike anything I had ever experienced. So it was that hurt I experienced that solidified my deep desire to bring life into this world and to do right by them.
Shane. He was my first go around at it. I was sooooo excited and beyond ready to be a mom. I was young yet thought I knew so much. He quickly reassured me I knew nothing. LOL. I went through a wave of emotions from humiliation to defensiveness to guilt to anger to joy to pride to immense love to gratitude. Everything I was, thought I knew, tried to enforce… this Taurus with a rising in Scorpio and Moon in Aries, broke me down to my core and made me do a do-over. Quickly! Ha! Then I had an aha moment. A spiritual awakening of sorts. Angela why are you parenting him from the learned behavior of YOUR childhood??? Because it was easy. Easy to conform to the rules of my childhood. What my mom expected of me. What I felt my community and society deemed as acceptable and appropriate parenting.
I was losing the battle and I refused to go out without a fight. Wanting so badly to be great… I immersed myself in learning and accepting and forgiving and challenging and growing and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I felt that was the key because if I could be vulnerable then my ego would be taken out of the equation. That was hard for me because I grew up with a non-expressive mom who didn’t talk to me about anything except what was expected of me. There were no authentic, heart-warming, honest conversations about our feelings and how to control nor express them effectively or lovingly. So being vulnerable not only scared the shit out of me but made me question if I was being hard enough. Why would I allow someone to really know what I was thinking or feeling? Why in the world would I put myself out there like that to be taken advantage of, criticized, judged, embarrassed. There were so many reasons I felt compelled to suppress my intimate feelings but becoming a mom and specifically to a strong-willed child, forced me to own my shit…and be vulnerable. To let him see me. Understand me. Support me. Instead of me trying to control him. Now that he’s approaching 20, I realize that parenting consciously never ever stops. This age specifically makes me want to share my opinions, impart my words of wisdom, enforce my views. But resisting that temptation to step in allows me to trust the process…and him.
The very thought of parenting consciously, from a sense of awareness of ALL my mishaps, my mistakes, my misfortunes, fueled me with a deep desire to give my kids the very best of me. I became a student. And still am. And I’m so very grateful for all the lessons.
in love + light,
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