Diary of a Virgo

Anahata – Healing

So much of who I am as a mother comes from my relationship with my own mom.  The good, the bad, the insecurities, and fond memories.  But I think for me, one of the hardest parts of being a mother and a wife is my constant struggle with fear. Fear of not doing enough.  Fear of doing TOO much.  Fear of f*cking up.  Fear of being too over the top and fear of being a push over.  Fear of failing.  Fear of pushing them to hard or not hard enough.  Fear of not being liked by my kids.  Fear of destroying my relationship with them.  Fear of not raising them to their potential or even worse not raising their spirits.  Fear of sharing too much or not sharing enough.  Fear of not really knowing them or them knowing me.  Yeah…I got alot of fears.
Cause you see, we are all a product of our environment and sometimes a victim of circumstance. But the one thing that has allowed me to push through these feelings of fear is vulnerability.  This has been a loooooong journey for me and certainly not an easy one.  But once I gave myself permission to just be my true authentic self, my heart chakra opened wide and I created a space in my life for self-acceptance, self-care and self-love.  This in turn made me more accepting and less judgmental.  This freedom from my past opened my heart space to a whole new awareness and really allowed me to be a better person,  mother and wife.
Realizing that I don’t have all the answers, nor do I need to, and it will all be ok was huge for me.  Because that is releasing control which was such a part of my existence.  Understanding that I don’t have to damn near have a heart attack if my kids don’t do everything I asked them to do and accepting that it will be ok.  Allowing myself to be their student instead of always having to teach, preach, instruct, manage, and rule was verrrrry difficult.  But I started to see just how beneficial it was for me and for them if I was just there to protect, guide, validate, soothe and heal.
Parenthood
Honestly, I don’t know how I did it, and my sister and I talk about this all the time.  Maybe it was pure desperation.  Survival.  I don’t know.  But I somehow broke through all the feelings of not being good enough, resentment for not having a healthy, loving. supportive relationship with my mom, anger from not having my dad in my life, abuse, dysfunction, and despair and allowed unconditional love, compassion, and warmth to flow through me. It wasn’t easy but I realized it had to be a conscious choice I made.  Because I wanted and needed it so badly. I wanted connection.  I craved it, deeply and always knew it was part of my truth.  I was blessed abundantly with a husband who loves me, ALL of me, who shows me what acceptance, laughter, and ease looks like and who partnered with me on this journey to bring 3 of the most beautiful human beings into this world who changed me for the better and curated a deep, rich love to flow in me and through me.
My family is my safe space for me to be vulnerable.  After years of feeling judged and criticized by the one person I wanted admiration and validation from, my heart chakra is now open. I can’t help but feel grateful that my journey allowed my relationship with myself and with others to deepen because I now honor my true self, not my false self.  Namaste.

in love + light,

Angela René
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